I’ve been very unhappy lately. Not all the time and probably not that noticeable and not with anyone in particular. I’ve been trying to figure out what’s going on with me and I’ve narrowed it down to a few things. Here’s what I’ve come up with.
- I’m lonely. My best friend moved to Louisiana over the summer and I’ve been trying to find a surrogate. It’s not working. I’ve found a nice group to hang out with on Tuesday, but there’s no huge connection and I’m not sure if really fit in. But the fact remains that I don’t have anyone to go to anymore. I’ve lost my back-up stability person and it’s tough.
- My kitty is dying. He’s old and has cancer and I’m not sure if I’ll know when to or be able to make the call. What makes it worse is the sicker he gets the more affectionate he gets. But he’s drooling in big globs and smells like death and it’s hard to snuggle him which makes me feel even worse.
- My body has decided to go through a second puberty. And this one is worse than the first. I’ve never had this many zits at any one point in my life. My face is covered and multiple new ones crop up every day. They’re even up in my hairline. It’s painful and embarrassing. I would attempt to wear makeup, but that would only irritate my skin more.
- I’m not happy at my job. My entire life (and no commenting about how I’m not that old) I’ve either been in school and/or working. I never got to do the cool trips or exciting things you’re supposed to do in high school and college. In part due to national tragedies, but also it was a money thing. It’s not that I don’t like my job, it’s fine. Yeah, it’s stressful and I’m under appreciated, but that seems to be the norm these days. The problem is, all I want at this point in my life is to be a housewife and a mom.
- My weight. I’m gaining again which is causing my knee to act up. This causes a chain reaction of messing my hips up which in turn mess my back up which in turns causes me to sleep funny and messes my neck up. I let it go too long this time and I’m paying for it. I had to come home at lunch today because I couldn’t bear to sit upright any longer. I have appointments with the osteopath and the doctor tomorrow. The worst of it? The doctor recommended a medication to help jump start weight loss, but neither of the insurance companies will pay for it. But they both pay for weight loss surgery. Messed up, huh?
I tink that’s it. I guess that’s my top five list of things that are making me a crazy person right now. Separately I could deal with them all just fine, but combined, I feel like I’m going to lose my mind. I got an e-mail today that was slightly criticizing and I nearly burst into tears. That’s not like me. I haven’t been this unstable in a long time (if ever). I just don’t know what to do with myself.
Sorry for the rant. I just needed to get it out and this is the only outlet I have right now. Maybe I should commit myself to the looney bin. At least I’d get a vacation…